Thursday, January 28, 2010

Betwixt and Between

I have so many things on my mind. Yesterday's post and the responses from it have opened the floodgates. Also, there is work commentary in here too. However, the big thought I have been chewing on for a while has come together into a form I can start to poke at with words, so I am going to have a stab at it.

I feel like this stage in my life is a stage of being "between".

I neither work a regular job, nor am I a stay-at-home mom. Both are good options, but I have chosen to keep a foot in each world. It's a straddling act that causes much stress. And yet, I would not change this for the world. But I don't feel like there are many people to talk to. Most of my friends are in one world or the other. I am in between.

My children are no longer babies, but they are also not big kids. They are between, which makes our issues and our struggles ones that straddle both realms. We're not alone here, thankfully, but we are between.

My husband and I are firmly...on the fence about having another child. There are so many advantages to being done now. I have no desire to be pregnant and no desire to repeat PPD. Still, there are times I miss a sweet little baby to hold and think that maybe we should try this one more time. Yup, between again.

Lately, Ray and I have been discussing religion. We were both firmly in the Christian camp for a long time. It's our heritage. We baptized our boys Anglican. We've been part of a church community. And yet we are struggling with it. I used to think that saying you were agnostic meant you just could not decide for yourself. And yet, I find that it is more about being able to reason it out both ways. In the end, we find we have a foot in both camps and are thinking about these issues a lot. We are between worlds. Again, I don't fit with the Christians, but also do not fall with those who believe there is nothing either. In time, I will figure out where I belong (and I always expected that this journey would be one my boys would have to have for themselves eventually too), but for now I am between.

I know there are other betweens in my life, but these are the biggest ones. The ones that come back to me again and again. The ones Ray and I talk about and regularly pull at the threads of thought attached to them. It's a process, so being between isn't a bad thing...just part of my journey.


Lisa said...

It is part of the journey and more often than not, a big part. It is awesome that you and Ray can stand side by side and take on these decisions together. LOVE!

Laura said...

You know, Lisa, it is very true that we are side by side with all of this. It's a true effort for both of us. And although I have had a few moments of struggling with feeling like I am between on everything, I did get to that realization that this is a big part of the journey, so I am okay with being between. Just standing here, enjoying the view and my life. Which is, after all, pretty darn good.

Laura said...

Another was sort of my point of posting this: that being between is an okay place to be. Sometimes we are between and so be it.

Often, when I am feeling like something is weighing on me, it helps to find it in other blogs. That acknowledgment of this happening to others goes a long, long way. This isn't a topic I have run across, so I wrote about it. :)

BTW, thanks for the link and your post yesterday. Awesome!

Ron said...

You write 'between', I read 'balanced'.

You are not alone, we all find balance between opposing pulls in many areas of life.

I may be misinterpreting what you write, but it seems like there is part of you that feels 'between' is not necessarily a good thing... something that should be resolved. My opinion is that this is a natural, unavoidable, state.

Mind you, there are things in life which need to be resolved, I'm not suggesting otherwise. My wish is for you to find the perfection in your current state. Please pardon my assumptions if they are wrong.

Man, I think the west coast is getting to me. :)

Laura said...

Ha! Yup, Ron, the west coast is getting to you. ;)

I think you might be reading into what I have written the old part of this realization. It was funny and odd to realize that I was between for a while. As I put them all together in my head it just became something that was, rather than something that was bothering me. Now I am just riding it and observing it, if you know what I mean. It's not a bad place to be and I am enjoying some of the thought processes that go with being here.

日月神教-向左使 said...